i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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