you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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