She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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