Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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