U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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