Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
