I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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