I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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