Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
