I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
