I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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