the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
