non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
