A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
