My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
