i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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