Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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