I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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