I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
