I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You made out with two different species that night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
