Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
How naked do you want me to be?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
