Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
