My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
