my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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