Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
