I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
