It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
