So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
