I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
