I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
