hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
