its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Little spoons don't ask big questions
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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