NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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