I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
