I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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