people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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