I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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