god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
