Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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