all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
