I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
