you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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