how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
