Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
