Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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