mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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