when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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