Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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