Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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