I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
