Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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